When a goal isn't working, it's easy to think you need to push harder.
I just need more discipline.
I need to try harder.
I need to be more consistent.
But what if the better question is not “How can I make myself do this?”
What if it’s:
“How can I create a habit that fits my life?”
A few months ago, my sleep schedule became inconsistent due to changes in my schedule. I was going to bed and waking up at different times each day. I felt a bit off, so I wanted to re-establish a regular sleep-wake schedule. I decided to set my wake-up time at 6 am every day, even on weekends. I knew a steady sleep schedule helps with energy and overall health.
The truth was, I couldn't consistently go to bed earlier because of my evening commitments. That made it hard to consistently wake up at 6 am. Many days, I felt exhausted and hit snooze for 30 minutes or more. I had also started associating waking up at 6 am with being productive and disciplined. When I couldn't meet that goal, I felt guilty and judged myself for it.
After weeks of this, I went on vacation and didn’t set an alarm. When I returned, I tried setting my alarm for 7 am, which felt more natural for my body and my current schedule. Instead of pushing myself toward a goal that didn’t fit, I adjusted it. I questioned my belief that I was lazy for not waking up at 6 am. I realized that this thought wasn’t true or helpful. By adjusting my goal to fit my current life, I could work toward better sleep without the added stress and self-judgment. My goal could be met without the need to follow one rigid approach.
Shifting Attention to How a Behavior Feels
We often focus on the outcome of a goal and forget about the emotional journey.
How you feel while doing something matters.
If a behavior feels exhausting, stressful, or frustrating, it's likely not sustainable. It may not be right for you at that moment.
In contrast, feelings like energy, calm, connection, and satisfaction can make you want to repeat a behavior.
There is, of course, some nuance with this. Some meaningful actions can feel challenging or uncomfortable, especially when you're trying something new. What matters at the start is whether the actions connect closely to your values and are tailored to where you're starting from. Over repeated attempts, you collect data points and discover whether the actions produce the positive feelings that make it encouraging and sustainable.
Still, ask yourself:
“How do I want to feel while working toward this goal, and when I achieve it?”
Perhaps you want exercise to feel energizing, not exhausting.
Maybe you want eating well to feel nourishing, not restrictive.
Or you may want your morning routine to feel calming, not like another chore.
These feelings matter.
You might consider asking yourself:
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Why does this goal matter to me?
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Is this something I truly value, or is it something I feel I "should" do?
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How do I want to feel while doing it?
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What small step feels challenging yet doable?
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What would make this behavior easier, more enjoyable, or more meaningful?
Sustainable change doesn’t usually come from pushing yourself excessively or adding more pressure.
It often begins with self-understanding. Letting go of unhelpful beliefs and adjusting your goals and actions to align with your dynamic life.
When you set goals with room for flexibility, they are often more achievable and enjoyable to work toward. This creates positive experiences that can reinforce healthy behaviors over time. As a result, healthy behaviors shift from forcing change to becoming part of building a life that feels good from the inside and out.